Big Letter 'T'

I have a friend, Todd, who works as a bartender downtown. He is really funny. When he told me this, it was about the year 2000. I remember thinking it was, when I heard it, possibly the
best way for the millenium to end. Ey, Armageddon postponed and there's all the free popcorn you can eat in the vicinity of 14th & O!!

There was a customer who came into Todd's bar every afternoon, not to drink but to eat popcorn, which was provided free-of-charge. They keep it in a big barrell and set a stack of bowls out and you just help yourself. Surely this guy, whose name was Marty, must have eaten a bushel of it a week. I don't think he had a job, just ate popcorn and chatted with friendly merchants most of the day.

Todd told Marty that his name was "Todd Wellendowd". And Marty believed it. And so whenever Marty saw Todd, he called out sunnily. "Hi Todd Wellendowd. "


One cannot speak of Marty without superlatives.
He wore the thickest glasses I have ever seen.
He had the highest voice I have ever heard in an adult male.
He had an enormous and round ass. None more round.
And possibly the whitest legs that could ever be.
Wearing his trademark short-shorts and not just any bike helmet, but again, the very biggest bike helmet available, he munched and munched contentedly, would rest awhile and then announce:

"Welp. I'm gonna go now, Todd Wellendowd."
"Okay Marty."
"I'm gonna go over to O'Rourke's and eat some popcorn now."
"Okay, we'll see ya later."
"Okay! 'Bye Todd Wellendowd!"

...climb onto his bike and pedal the 100 feet or so where another feast awaited.

But please understand, that when he rode his bike he brazenly broke all laws of physics. Perched so high on the seat, hovering so slow as to practically be motionless, and yet not tipping over. So round, startling and creamy, someone who didn't know him might mistake him for a moonman! I saw him ride by several times and it was like, I don't know, seeing an anteater walking around in the broad daylight? Having it rain live minnows on your lawn? Disturbing, I guess is the word I want, or better yet unsettling. I need a nap just thinking about it. How did
he do it? It is a mystery!

There were a number of 'Martyisms' - an example would be when asked what kind of pizza he had eaten for lunch, Marty replied, without a hint of irony "The Round Kind."

One time Marty was again on a barstool, watching TV, eating popcorn. Todd was working behind the bar, getting ready for the evening shift. A sleepy afternoon in Lincoln, Nebraska.

All of a sudden here comes this guy dragging a huge crucifix made of four-by-fours. He is looking a little ragged around the edges. He is hollaring that the world is going to end soon, and that you'd best repent-if you know what is good for you. And so forth.
Todd looks up from his sink, Marty from his popcorn.

And Marty says in the pastiest, most innocent voice imaginable: "Todd Wellendowd, what's that man doing with that big letter 'T'?"